Starting Over

It's been almost three months now, quite a bit has taken place. What has not taken place is my quitting smoking. What I'm struggling with right now is maintaining sobriety.
I moved from FL to OH at the beginning of July. Two days before I moved, I started drinking, I drank on the drive up, then quit for a few days. Then picked up again, and drank on and off for the next two months.
Now I'm on day three, trying to equal and pass my former success of two and a half years.

Cigarettes 277 thru 347

I've had to estimate again. No wonder, it's been over three days.

The reason I've been writing this without adding any links at all is to keep it more or less private while I figure out what it is I want to do with it. I think I'll start using it less as a private journal and more as a way to gather together the material I need to write a book about my experiences with getting over my various dependencies. As no one is likely to be reading this on a regular basis, it's a great place to both journal, and put together a finished book, as I try to quit smoking at the same time. 

Tomorrow I go on  my last open water dives and get my certification. We're supposed to do at least one boat dive, maybe both will be boat dives. I don't know how it's planned.  

Cigarettes 255 thru 276

I'm not even trying anymore. I realized that as I look at this blank screen wondering what to write. Today I'm going to try to quit. That's it, just decide sometime during the day I've had enough, throw away the rest of my pack, and quit. 

Cigarettes 239 thru 254

Finally bought a camera to replace the one I lost in Key West. Jacque and I went to Key West to visit, it turned into something more (or less).

We started with a trip to the Everglades, our plan being to canoe for a day, camp for the night, canoe another day, then decide if we wanted to camp another night or move on to the Keys. Our plans were very loose, we would decide where we wanted to go and how to sleep- camp, motel- as we went. We only stayed one night in the Everglades, then moseyed on down to the Keys.  

Well, Jacque was drinking starting with our canoe trip out into the Gulf (which is part of the Everglades in that area). He got sloppy and foolish that night camping, and as I hadn't drank in over two years, and was looking to keep it that way, I should have used his behavior as an example. He couldn't find some of his gear, was running around on the island we were on in his underwear- "Because I can!"- getting sand inside the tent, and being something of a pain in the ass. 

His behavior did not provide a fine enough example, I guess, because on our trip into the Keys, we stopped for supplies, and I bought a six-pack. He kept telling me all the while about Duval Street, and what a party town Key West is, and on like he was a native. 

And a party town it was, for us those four days. But the thing is, any town is a party town if you want to make it that way. We could have done things differently from the get-go, and it would have been a completely different- read: better- experience. The six-pack led to bar visits, mixed drinks, shots, vomit, having the shakes at the end of it all, and having to detox. I had my camera in a bag with sunscreen and a towel, having planned to go to the beach, but all I ended up doing was going to bars and leaving the bag somewhere in the process.  I never went swimming in either the Atlantic or the Gulf, which was on of the things I really wanted to do. A waste. 

Ended up spending way too much money, losing stuff, not doing what I wanted, and coming driving home intoxicated, and afraid I started up the whole alcohol dependence thing again. I nipped that in the bud, but even just being drunk for 5 days left me shaky and shaken. 

Cigarettes 209 thru 238

After this blog, I'm going to make a concerted effort to count how many cigarettes I smoke. 

Did my first open water dive today. It was supposed to be a boat dive in the Gulf, but as we were driving to the launch, our instructor got a call. The boat was broke down. We had to find a beach and do a shore dive. We went to Sunset Beach in Tarpon Springs, and dove from there. We couldn't find deep water, we could only go down 11 feet, and the bottom was so close, so mucky and sandy, that just swimming along the surface stirred it up, so visibility was not good. At least we got a dive in, that much closer to certification. 

Did a short bike ride this morning. Played around on GarageBand, got a guitar track started over a cheap drum track. Gonna keep at every day 'til I have something to show. 

Cigarettes 186 thru 208

This is not going as expected. I haven't quit, and I question even bothering to keep a blog about just going thru each day still smoking. This isn't how it was supposed to be. Where to go from here? 

Today I am doing my second pool session for scuba certification. I already took the the test Wed, got a 92. Top of my class. Out of four. Tomorrow is the first open water. We're going to the Gulf. I should be real excited. This is something I've wanted to do for decades. Now I'm doing it, and it seems like no big deal. I'm hoping that changes once we're in the water. 

It seems like I've reach a point in life where I have to find ways too keep my mind enthused. Nothing seems to generate excitement. Kind of like I'm just going thru the motions no matter what I do. A kind of ambivalence. 

Cigarettes 141 thru 185

I have not been keeping an accurate count, so this is just an estimation. Been smoking a lot, which is not to say more than average, just haven't cut down at all the last couple of days. 

Been in a kind of a lull these last two days. Didn't work yesterday or today, so I should be getting a lot of things done. I haven't. Just sort of dropped the ball. Started feeling down yesterday morning after a good beginning. I think that's the problem: things started well, so if I continued, there would be just a succession of accomplishments. If I allow myself to get distracted and bogged down, then I don't have to worry about accomplishments and success. 

Following with this self-destructive chain, I'm not getting things done, I'm worrying about nonexistent problems (things that may become problems in the future, but probably won't), and instead of meditating or exercising, doing something healthy to help myself feel better, I lay around and watch movies, all the while thinking what a waste of time watching movies is when I've got things to do. 

But I'm better now. 

Getting into writing this helps, as I see how pitiful even my problems are, laying around for a day and feeling mad at and/or exasperated with myself. Hardly the stuff of tragedy. At least I can make light of it, and seeing how petty and banal these negative feelings are, I think I can start to change my thinking, and get down to those things I should be doing.