Cigarettes 141 thru 185

I have not been keeping an accurate count, so this is just an estimation. Been smoking a lot, which is not to say more than average, just haven't cut down at all the last couple of days. 

Been in a kind of a lull these last two days. Didn't work yesterday or today, so I should be getting a lot of things done. I haven't. Just sort of dropped the ball. Started feeling down yesterday morning after a good beginning. I think that's the problem: things started well, so if I continued, there would be just a succession of accomplishments. If I allow myself to get distracted and bogged down, then I don't have to worry about accomplishments and success. 

Following with this self-destructive chain, I'm not getting things done, I'm worrying about nonexistent problems (things that may become problems in the future, but probably won't), and instead of meditating or exercising, doing something healthy to help myself feel better, I lay around and watch movies, all the while thinking what a waste of time watching movies is when I've got things to do. 

But I'm better now. 

Getting into writing this helps, as I see how pitiful even my problems are, laying around for a day and feeling mad at and/or exasperated with myself. Hardly the stuff of tragedy. At least I can make light of it, and seeing how petty and banal these negative feelings are, I think I can start to change my thinking, and get down to those things I should be doing.