Starting Over

It's been almost three months now, quite a bit has taken place. What has not taken place is my quitting smoking. What I'm struggling with right now is maintaining sobriety.
I moved from FL to OH at the beginning of July. Two days before I moved, I started drinking, I drank on the drive up, then quit for a few days. Then picked up again, and drank on and off for the next two months.
Now I'm on day three, trying to equal and pass my former success of two and a half years.

Cigarettes 277 thru 347

I've had to estimate again. No wonder, it's been over three days.

The reason I've been writing this without adding any links at all is to keep it more or less private while I figure out what it is I want to do with it. I think I'll start using it less as a private journal and more as a way to gather together the material I need to write a book about my experiences with getting over my various dependencies. As no one is likely to be reading this on a regular basis, it's a great place to both journal, and put together a finished book, as I try to quit smoking at the same time. 

Tomorrow I go on  my last open water dives and get my certification. We're supposed to do at least one boat dive, maybe both will be boat dives. I don't know how it's planned.  

Cigarettes 255 thru 276

I'm not even trying anymore. I realized that as I look at this blank screen wondering what to write. Today I'm going to try to quit. That's it, just decide sometime during the day I've had enough, throw away the rest of my pack, and quit. 

Cigarettes 239 thru 254

Finally bought a camera to replace the one I lost in Key West. Jacque and I went to Key West to visit, it turned into something more (or less).

We started with a trip to the Everglades, our plan being to canoe for a day, camp for the night, canoe another day, then decide if we wanted to camp another night or move on to the Keys. Our plans were very loose, we would decide where we wanted to go and how to sleep- camp, motel- as we went. We only stayed one night in the Everglades, then moseyed on down to the Keys.  

Well, Jacque was drinking starting with our canoe trip out into the Gulf (which is part of the Everglades in that area). He got sloppy and foolish that night camping, and as I hadn't drank in over two years, and was looking to keep it that way, I should have used his behavior as an example. He couldn't find some of his gear, was running around on the island we were on in his underwear- "Because I can!"- getting sand inside the tent, and being something of a pain in the ass. 

His behavior did not provide a fine enough example, I guess, because on our trip into the Keys, we stopped for supplies, and I bought a six-pack. He kept telling me all the while about Duval Street, and what a party town Key West is, and on like he was a native. 

And a party town it was, for us those four days. But the thing is, any town is a party town if you want to make it that way. We could have done things differently from the get-go, and it would have been a completely different- read: better- experience. The six-pack led to bar visits, mixed drinks, shots, vomit, having the shakes at the end of it all, and having to detox. I had my camera in a bag with sunscreen and a towel, having planned to go to the beach, but all I ended up doing was going to bars and leaving the bag somewhere in the process.  I never went swimming in either the Atlantic or the Gulf, which was on of the things I really wanted to do. A waste. 

Ended up spending way too much money, losing stuff, not doing what I wanted, and coming driving home intoxicated, and afraid I started up the whole alcohol dependence thing again. I nipped that in the bud, but even just being drunk for 5 days left me shaky and shaken. 

Cigarettes 209 thru 238

After this blog, I'm going to make a concerted effort to count how many cigarettes I smoke. 

Did my first open water dive today. It was supposed to be a boat dive in the Gulf, but as we were driving to the launch, our instructor got a call. The boat was broke down. We had to find a beach and do a shore dive. We went to Sunset Beach in Tarpon Springs, and dove from there. We couldn't find deep water, we could only go down 11 feet, and the bottom was so close, so mucky and sandy, that just swimming along the surface stirred it up, so visibility was not good. At least we got a dive in, that much closer to certification. 

Did a short bike ride this morning. Played around on GarageBand, got a guitar track started over a cheap drum track. Gonna keep at every day 'til I have something to show. 

Cigarettes 186 thru 208

This is not going as expected. I haven't quit, and I question even bothering to keep a blog about just going thru each day still smoking. This isn't how it was supposed to be. Where to go from here? 

Today I am doing my second pool session for scuba certification. I already took the the test Wed, got a 92. Top of my class. Out of four. Tomorrow is the first open water. We're going to the Gulf. I should be real excited. This is something I've wanted to do for decades. Now I'm doing it, and it seems like no big deal. I'm hoping that changes once we're in the water. 

It seems like I've reach a point in life where I have to find ways too keep my mind enthused. Nothing seems to generate excitement. Kind of like I'm just going thru the motions no matter what I do. A kind of ambivalence. 

Cigarettes 141 thru 185

I have not been keeping an accurate count, so this is just an estimation. Been smoking a lot, which is not to say more than average, just haven't cut down at all the last couple of days. 

Been in a kind of a lull these last two days. Didn't work yesterday or today, so I should be getting a lot of things done. I haven't. Just sort of dropped the ball. Started feeling down yesterday morning after a good beginning. I think that's the problem: things started well, so if I continued, there would be just a succession of accomplishments. If I allow myself to get distracted and bogged down, then I don't have to worry about accomplishments and success. 

Following with this self-destructive chain, I'm not getting things done, I'm worrying about nonexistent problems (things that may become problems in the future, but probably won't), and instead of meditating or exercising, doing something healthy to help myself feel better, I lay around and watch movies, all the while thinking what a waste of time watching movies is when I've got things to do. 

But I'm better now. 

Getting into writing this helps, as I see how pitiful even my problems are, laying around for a day and feeling mad at and/or exasperated with myself. Hardly the stuff of tragedy. At least I can make light of it, and seeing how petty and banal these negative feelings are, I think I can start to change my thinking, and get down to those things I should be doing. 

Cigarettes 112 thru 140

It's been a rough couple of days. I worked Fri, Sat, Sun, and yesterday. Fri and Sat weren't bad, but Sunday was a real bear. We had a ceiling to tear down in a pool room. Six hours of hammering above my head, catching the heavy chunks of ceiling as they come dow, being covered in insulation, having to wear a mask all day... yesterday, Mon, it was all I could do to get thru six hours of easy work, my arms were so tired. 

Didn't bike ride yesterday. Or meditate in the afternoon. But that's all right. I am finding as I strive to do things nowadays, I can trust myself to keep doing them even if I miss a day or two. It didn't used to be like that. It used to be, if I missed a day, that would probably be the end of it. I'd just find excuses not to do it 'til I lost interest or forgot about it. Now, I'll yearn to do it enough to find the time, or wait 'til there is time. 

It's hard to keep track of smokes. Especially during work, when it's so easy to light up when there's a lull in the action, without even thinking about it. And I haven't been reading my list of reasons before every cigarette. 

Cigarettes 109, 110 and 111

Two minute early morning blog. Getting ready to go to work. 

Went for bike ride first thing. Didn't smoke 'til after. Meditated for 15 minutes. 

Cigarettes 92 thru 108

Worked today. Jacque was functional, tho' he is obviously starting to fade with the booze. Was drinking on the job, it looks like he's already to the point of hard detox if he doesn't keep his alcohol level up. I know what this is like, I've been there myself. Sometimes for years at a time. A decade and more, even. It gets to the point where you can't function without the booze, and you can't function with it, either.  I had what I came to call a window of opportunity: a short time frame in which I had drunk enough to function, and I hadn't yet drunk enough to be drunk. 

Five hours work, and it seems like eight or more. Physical labor has a way of doing that, if your doing it right. Couldn't bring myself to do much this afternoon, stretched, did some crunches, meditated for twenty minutes. 

Cigarettes 74 thru 91

My boss, Jacque,  has started drinking again, and it's disturbing. He's not just my boss, but my friend also, so it's painful to see him do this to himself. 

I actually drank with him recently, after being sober for two and a half years. We went canoeing and camping in the Everglades, then went on down to Key West. I wanted to go swimming and snorkeling, mostly all I ended up doing is drinking. It ended all right, I only drank for a few days, and have since been able to put it into perspective and learn some things from it. Unfortunately, it was not so with Jacque. I think his life is going to quickly fall apart, and there's not much I can do.

Yet I'm still smoking, so who am I to judge? Worked yesterday, didn't have time to much last night, so I just painted. Started a new piece, Can't tell if I like it or not. Don't have time to do much this morning, getting ready for work. Meditated.   

Cigarettes 72 and 73

Went for a bike ride first thing this morning. Before I smoked. Simple steps like these are going to make all the difference when I finally quit. 

I used to smoke first thing in the morning, before I did anything. Then I started eating something before I smoked. I'm never hungry first thing, so I had to eat something simple and easy to digest. I decided to eat a banana a day. It took me months just to get into the habit of eating a banana every morning. I know how hard change can be, introducing even the smallest change into my day can take loads of practice before it becomes an acquired habit. Now, it's natural, it's the first thing I do. It took a long time to get here. It seems picking up bad habits is simple, while developing healthy habits takes time and dedication. 

Cigarettes 61 thru 71

That is, I think I only smoked 15 cigarettes today. 

I got a lot of things done. Meditated twice for ten minutes each. Went for a skate. Stretched. Blogged, tho' that doesn't count as being productive. It's more like an escapist distraction. Painted some, actually finished a piece. When it's written out like this, it doesn't seem like all that much. But then, there were meals to make, and dishes to clean; existence type of stuff. 

Cigarettes 57, 58, 59 and 60

Here it is, 11:30 am and I've only smoked 4 cigarettes. Pretty good, considering I usually smoke more in the morning. 

Did my visualization this morning, then went for a bike ride. Decided to combine tasks, went grocery shopping. Had a load on my back coming home.  Got back and was out of breath and shaky. I think I have a blood sugar thing going on, if I don't have food in my gullet I can't exert myself, or I get fatigued real easy.  Decades of heavy drinking didn't help, I'm sure. Not that smoking does, either. One more reason to quit. 

Cigarettes 47 thru 56

Won a camcorder on ebay. If it works well and is compatible with my set-up, I'll be making more videos for the web in no time. Gotta a song I need to record in GarageBand, and some paintings to do on video. Going for fame and fortune. 

Went for me bike ride, did the visualization, meditated twice. Scuba class, took some things to an auction house. Got some things done today. Didn't really work on not smoking, hoping the Yoga Technique works. We'll see.

Cigarettes 40 thru 46

Yesterday was good. Yeah, I smoked. But I did some healthy things, too. 

I'm taking scuba diving lessons. Another reason to quit smoking. So far there have been two classroom classes, yesterday we went to the pool and geared up and got to try the stuff out. Lot's of fun. It was strange, in a way. I've been in the Gulf a bunch of times, but I couldn't remember the last time I was in a pool. Taking this class keeps me from smoking for chunks of time-I went without a smoke for three hours during yesterdays session. 

Am reading a book by Dennis Wholey. It's called 'Why Do I Keep Doing That? Breaking the Negative Patterns in Your Life' In it is an example of a smoker who quit. She used something called the 'Yoga Technique to Break a Habit':

"You make two lists. One list enumerates all the bad things about the habit. The second lists all the good things that will happen to you when you break the habit. You read both lists once a day. That is all you do."

I made the lists on a piece of paper small enough to fold up and carry in my cigarette pack. Now, every time I feel like lighting up, I read the lists first. Sometimes, I wont even want to smoke after reading the lists. Other times, I'll forgo the smoke so I don't have to read the lists. 

Cigarettes 33 thru 39

Yeah, I'm smoking like a fiend today. Gotta feeling I'll slow down now. 

See, I was broke all weekend. That is, I was not liquid. I had scads of money dawdling from one account to the one I can access with my debit card. Thought it would be here Friday, but it wasn't, so I had to go all weekend without. It was in my account first thing this morning, so I knew my planned schedule was shot: no bike ride first thing, no visualization, no meditation, I had to take care of some business and do some desperately needed shopping. 

Going without doesn't bother me so much, as long as I know there's something coming in soon. Scrapping my plans to deal with  contingencies is fine, I know being flexible is a greater asset than being consistent. But when these situations arise, my crutch helps me deal with them. In the short term, anyway. That is, as long as I'm hooked on nicotine, it will help  me cope better than going without. In the long term, after I've quit for some time, coping will generally be easier. It's just that transition period when everything will seem like it's going haywire. 

Cigarettes 26 thru 32

Per last post, or, to continue, while limiting my commas; in Buddhist philosophy: Our wants are endless, our needs are always met. 

I read once that Buckminster Fuller would zero out his bank account at the end of every month, giving his money away I suppose. I tried to research this, but couldn't find anything. The point was, he was confident either in his ability to thrive or in providence, so he had no fear of impoverishment. This is akin to the Bible passage that goes something like "The birds don't plant or harvest or store food, for your heavenly Father feeds them. Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? 

The lilies of the field don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they."

Now, I'm not a fan of the Bible, but there is SOME good stuff in it. This is one of the few lines that mentions nature without an undercurrent of nature-hating in it. 

But it's about (in part) being grateful for what you've got, not bitter about what you lack. All of our rampant consumerism and acquisition of material things is just our insecurity creating a buffer zone between our fear of not being able to take care of ourselves, and the true abundance we shun. 

Cigarettes 17 thru 25

I just wrote a whole long post, and the freaking thing disappeared. I hit save as draft, and it's gone.

To paraphrase: 

It looks like I've given up for today. Surprisingly, I'm smoking less than I normally do. That's what counting does, it let's me know where I'm at. 

Am trying to get rid of clutter. Trying to reduce the amount of stuff I own. As in Buddhist philosophy, eliminate grasping and desire; realizing the less I want, the more I have. Realizing also that smoking is another form of grasping. Another want. 

Went for a long bike ride, over an hour. Did my five minute visualization, ten minute meditation. Cleaning up, getting rid of stuff. Getting ready to do some painting. There was so much more in the post I lost about simplifying, and I saw it just disappear. A half hour typing, down the drain. Depressing. I think I'll smoke.  

7 am

Today feels like it's right. Everything feels just so. I can do this, I think today I will. 

One thing that I find really annoying about the way this blog is structured is the space between lines in the first paragraph of every entry. The second paragraph is nice and tight, but the first is always spaced out, which is not a good look. I'll have to find out why.

Cigarettes 6 thru 16

Well, try again tomorrow. At least I smoked less today than usual. I have a bunch of library books about change and tapes and CDs on relaxation, meditation, stuff. Meditated for ten minutes this evening, am going to meditate every morning and evening now, and visualize my success for five minutes every morning. Hell, if I keep doing enough activities where I can't smoke, pretty soon I'll have no choice but to quit.

Started a painting today, this is good, as I need to create to feel I'm fulfilling my function in life. Nothing more distressing for me than continually having ideas and not doing anything about.

Cigarettes 3,4 and 5

I figure now that I've started this, I might as well keep track of the smokes I've smoked.  This may, at least, slow me down. I'm at a loss now as to whether to keep trying to quit every day, or set a date and shoot for that. I'm mulling it over.

Well, at least I've decided to live as wholly  as possible while I'm in this transition phase of smoking and quitting. I put a lot of things aside to concentrate on quitting, and now it seems the best thing to do is get my life in as close an order to ideal as I can since I haven't quit. Getting into the habit of exercising regularly, meditating, tackling the projects that went by the wayside while I was trying to reduce or eliminate any stress from my life. I found that all of the things I wanted to do were weighing down on me, but that was because I placed such importance in them, along with artificial and unrealistic timetables. There's nothing wrong with wanting to accomplish things, but everything takes time, and sometimes tools or technology or knowledge, skills, etc, I just don't have right now.

Did some crunches, gonna clean up some clutter and go for a skate.

Day ? 11:45 am

I failed. At least my typing skills are improving. 

I did a very bad thing, knowing that if I did this thing, I would feel worse than if I stayed the course. After only two smokes, I don't feel so bad, as yet. I will later today, after the inevitable many. All the way to the store, I told myself' "you can turn around anytime" (I'm quite sure I was talking to myself in the second person). Alas, I didn't turn around. 

When considering quitting, I think about the other toxic substances I've quit over the years. In every case except alcohol, they weren't that hard to kick in the end, 'cause I could still get drunk; I had my substitute. But even booze wasn't that bad when I finally did it. It took me five years of trying, but after I had enough, and I had all of the pieces of the puzzle, it wasn't that hard. The key was I changed my way of thinking as I put down the bottle, I didn't wait for any sense of sobriety or clarity to facilitate the process. I told myself how I wanted to start thinking, and I started thinking that way. This smoothed the way for the needed change in behavior. 

I think the same thing will ultimately apply to my smoking. Wanting to quit is not enough, feeling as tho' I'm reaping the benefits as soon as I'm done with that last cigarette is the key.  

10:44 am

I guess when I thunk this whole thing up, it would be fun and games, documenting my experience like I'm some kind of research dude. Yeah, it's getting a little hard to think. I just took a two hour nap. Actually, I was in and out of a doze for two hours. Thinking about buying a pack when I was awake. Dreaming about buying a pack when I wasn't.

It becomes hard to justify quitting, as if I'm denying myself something instead of gaining something. As if I'm making some sacrifice by quitting, instead of the sacrifice of my health, time, and money if I smoke. Things are backwards. Doing the wrong thing becomes a reward, doing the right thing is torture. 

8 am

Went for a short ride. Decided not to ride to the beach, did that yesterday and bummed a smoke when I got down there. Just stayed on the bike path today. Much safer.
Am using an amalgam of philosophies, tools and techniques to quit. The single most important thing for me is knowing I can do it. That's very important; in any endeavor, thinking you'll succeed gives you a huge advantage over thinking you won't. There are some that maintain that feeling you'll fail is a guarantee you will. While feeling one will succeed is no guarantee one will, remember what Virgil said: "They can because they think they can."

Day 1, 7 am. So Far, So Good

It's only been 7 hours since I haven't had a cigarette, but I'm starting to feel better in some ways already. In other ways not as much. Kind of a very low-level agitation that comes and goes or flits across my emotional radar. Very inconsequential. But I've got no headache, and my breathing is more relaxed, and of course my heart isn't racing like a dragster. 

I believe it was Jack Trimpy who defined addiction (in part, at least) as an ambivalence. You want to give the behavior up, and you still want to keep doing it. One way, possibly the only way, to give up an addiction, is when the addict finds he doesn't want to use more than he wants to use. I believe that feeling-not wanting to use more than I want to use-is the foundation upon which all the other feelings and the tools I use to quit rest upon. I need to eat something and go for a bikeride. Toodles. 

Day 0: Contemplation of What's to Come

This will be a waste of time if I don't succeed.

See, my plan is to blog on how I'm doing in my struggle to defeat the evil 

demon nicotine dependence.

Tho', more accurately, it's cigarette dependence. This may seem like a moot 

distinction to some, but it's important. My dependence doesn't involve just 

the drug itself (nicotine), but the delivery system also. I just realized that 

now, as I started writing this, and it is important. I'll get to why later.

Back to the Plan: you can see by the title, it's day zero. Which makes 

tomorrow Day 1. I figure, I'll quite smoking, write about my trials and 

tribulations for perhaps a year, maybe longer; we'll see, and possibly get a 

book out of it when I'm done. I don't see why not, I'll be something of an 

expert at behavior modification by then, having quit using Cocaine, 

Crack, Meth and Booze in the past. Next and last is Cigarettes.

So, either I quit starting tomorrow, or I trash this blog and move onto 

other projects, which are all on the back burner as I try to extricate myself 

from this self-destructive behavior. 

Wish me luck. See you tomorrow.